Baseball: The Post-Modern Era

November 5^th, 2035

You raise your iPhone 27MaxSport to your eye so it can complete the retina scan portion of 3FA. A gentle buzz in your lower colon alerts you that your other biometrics are currently being read. Then it’s just your 18-character passcode, 10-digit pin, and tap “allow” to share your location with FanDuel and its trusted partners - Blackwater and the NSA.

Next come the visual puzzles: The ones Tesla buys to help train its CopBot 9000’s algorithm for detecting “non-standard citizens” (based on metrics that are, legally speaking, definitely not skin color). Et voilà! You’re logged into MLBNet and ready for baseball.

After a brisk sixty seconds of unskippable pre-roll ads (thirty total, each pausing if you look away), you’re finally able to begin the experience.

Every Monday year-round, You’re glued to your phone to buy new ToppsPax™ lootboxes containing digital baseball cards, which award you Nissan Maxima’s “Maxima-ize your odds” rewards – a % increase in payouts on specific player parlays. Sales happen on Monday before the players are assessed so the speculation market can enjoy a full 24-hour feeding frenzy.

By midnight, athletes who qualify for MLBNet that week have performed a series McDrills™, McPlyometrics™, and McFitness™ tests (powered by pursuit of McGreatness™). Their weekly results are used to adjust the algorithms that assess player value and are then fed into the FanDuel MLBNet Scheduler, which outputs each week’s 191 matchups.

You start watching games on Tuesday at 12:01 a.m. Each 30-minute game is a simulated matchup of statistically optimized players drawn from that week’s McData, weighted by their global Johnson & Johnson Q-Tip Q-Score of Consumer Appeal.

Each play is simulated millions of times over twenty minutes on Microsoft’s Quantum Cloud while fans bet on every conceivable category: the QuickBooks Moneyline, Kellogg’s Total Over/Under, the Reddit F5 First Five, and the Country Crock Margarine Winning Margin. The final game wraps up Saturday at 11:59 p.m.

And for all you old fuddy-duddies crying “but what about WATCHING the game?” don’t worry. MLBNet partnered with EA last year to provide visuals of every simulated game. These are generated live by EA’s “EAI” AI system and cut out all the boring parts – they just use MLB2K35 wireframes to show only pitches where a true outcome occurs. Subscribers of “Hulick’s++AND Sports service” can view these 20-minute simulations at a small additional daily cost, conveniently spaced between a series of inter-inning 2-second ads.

Every Sunday, a new Amazon World Series (AWS) occurs. The players with the most statistically interesting results from the season are randomly placed onto the AL (sponsored by new crypto-billionare Paul Simon) and NL (Nationwide is on your side) teams. Betting for the series starts at 12:01am on Sunday and ends at 11:59am. The 24-game series is simulated all Sunday afternoon and a weekly winner is declared, complete with AI-generated images of commissioner Angel Hernandez 2.0 shaking hands with the winning team’s players. These images are used to promote next week’s series (and subsequent prop betting on which players will appear).

The November Week 1 2035 Amazon World Series MVP, for the tenth consecutive season, is RobOhtani™, proudly brought to you by Toyota Neural Systems and Pfizer Joint Repair. He thanks his sponsors, his algorithm, and the millions of bettors who believed in his latest patch.

And before you know it, it’s Monday again, so your government paycheck that hits at midnight is auto-garnished by FanDuel as part of your bettor agreement with them to maintain your KIB (kinda important bettor) status, giving you access to ToppsPax Gold Sleeves™ and the comforting illusion that you’re still part of the game.